Cafeteria Conundrums Solved!

Of course, all cafeterias are equipped with the standard student-friendly fare: fried chicken, several varieties of pizza, french fries, grilled cheese and -- just jump off a cliff now if they don't have this -- ice cream.

But these fattening, feel-good foods are usually accompanied by adjectives that make your blood run cold. Pizza? Greasier than the humongous zit on the server's nose. Ice cream? On par with the flavor of prison gruel. Fries? Soggy, limp manifestations of a carb demon. 

So what to do? Besides transferring to a college that has culinary arts majors on the kitchen staff, you could try to (gasp!) actually hunt down good, nutritious food in your dining hall. Too bad it's often harder to track than Lonesome George the Pinta Island Tortoise (the last of his kind on Earth!). You don't want your stomach to be a lonesome gorge, do you? Hahaha … hah ... ha ... a. …

Anyway, as promised, for a quick guide to fixing your cafeteria conundrum, look for the following:

• Salads: Even if you're averse to green food, there are so many other colors you can throw in there to make it appetizing.

• Fruit: Too bad the produce is often in worse shape than some of the victims you see on “CSI.”

• Stir-fry: Good source of protein and veggies ... but easy on the white rice, ya hear?

• Grilled or roasted meat: Sure, fried food usually tastes good, but let’s just say I’d run faster than Lonesome George when encountering it in a cafeteria setting.

• Unsweetened teas: Thomas Jefferson’s all-time favorite.*

Hope that helps. I’ve got to get back to devouring the dozen Krispy Kremes my mom brought me a couple of days ago when she visited. Nothing like getting a healthy break from the dining hall every once in a while!

*Completely, 100-percent un-validated.