5 Things Every College Student Should Know

Perhaps you've already made a club sports team, gotten bored of frat parties or been "sexiled" by your roomie. Maybe you've been assigned more reading than all of high school or already taken part in an election. Whatever the case, there are a few things you should probably have figured out by now. Like these ...

1. How to Pad a Paper
Remember the good old high school days? "Six pages, double-spaced" was probably the most stringent writing requirement you ever had. Then college rolled around, and your mind was blown. No matter what your major, you've likely had at least one eight- to 12-page paper so far (and if not, it’s coming!). If your profs are especially sadistic, you’ve also probably had a lengthy research project too. Having said that, it pays to become quite adept at the art of padding: filler sentences, long-winded conclusions, heavily bolded and wordy titles -- it all works. And trust me, sometimes, the professors are grateful for it. Who the hell has fun grading a whole class’s 15-pagers?

2. How to Mess up Your Laundry
That's right. Not how to do laundry -- how to do it wrong. You know what I'm talking about because you’ve mastered it. Frantic calls to mom as you try to spray that sauce stain out of your brand-new shorts. The pondering look at the washing machine as you decide whether whites are washed with warm water or cold. The shake of the head as your clothes come out soaking wet, resulting in double time in the dryer. What you learned? Sometimes, it gets worse before it gets better.

3. How to Sneak Into a Party
What to do when those fraternity brothers are acting like total tools, or there’s a rip-roarin’ fiesta next door and you don’t know the neighbors? This might be easier said than done, but sneaking into parties at college is a necessary evil. Going in the backdoor, faking a name, tagging along with a random group of girls -- hey, even an open window works.

4. How to Deal With Your Roommate
If you’ve been keeping up with my other blog posts (which I’m sure you all are, with extreme dedication), you’d already know which classification fits your darling roomie. Maybe it’s helped you figure out exactly which game plan you should take when he or she is getting on your last nerve. Of course, if you haven’t been keeping up with my witty banter (shame on you!), then you most likely already have your own defense mechanisms in place. The thing to realize is that you’re always gonna get sick of each other at some point. And when that last nerve is plucked, retaliation can be key ... and sweet.

5. How to Manage Your Time
OK, so perhaps you haven't quite mastered time management yet. But I’m praying to his holy Van Wilder that you do. Students always hear so much about the freedoms of college and how important it is to parcel up your time accordingly. It’s crucial that your class schedule, extracurriculars, gym hours and fun time are divided up wisely beca-- crap! This blog post is past due.