You asked:

I’m rooming with my best friend this year, and it’s been a disaster. How can we reach a middle ground without totally wrecking the friendship?

So you came to college and signed up to live with your best friend. You’ve gotten along all these years and thought you’d eliminate the possibility of ending up with the roommate from hell. Nothing could go wrong, right? Um, not necessarily. Best friends don’t always make the best roommates because you two might be too comfortable with each other. Roommates who haven’t known each other very long often tend to be a little more polite. Here are some points to keep in mind:

Evaluate your own behavior. Maybe it’s not just her. Have your own actions led to changes in your relationship with your best friend? Maybe you’ve been less than considerate in this living situation -- be honest with yourself. When it comes to fixing relationships, we often fail think about ourselves as a factor. It is vital to remember that you affect the friendship as much as your roommate does.

Talk it out. Too often, problems become worse because no one says anything, especially in close friendships. One of the best ways to address an issue is to be honest and use “I” statements. In expressing your feelings you could say something like this, “I don’t get enough sleep when you play your music past midnight. Would you consider headphones?” This isn’t a time to badger your best friend, but a time to figure out solutions. Creating heated conflict is never a good way to maintain a friendship.

Spend your time wisely. Spend some time apart from each other, intentionally. Sometimes, giving each other some space is a good option. It can be hard to find that space when you live together, but a little healthy detachment could do you both some good. Get out of the apartment, explore something new, and hang out with other friends. Meantime, you should also try to carve out some BFF time. Think about the things you used to do, and bring some of that back into your friendship. Find balance in the time you spend together.

Consider living apart. Despite your best efforts, it could be that you two just aren’t compatible when living under the same roof. It happens. You could both amicably decide that it would be best to find other arrangements in order to salvage the friendship. Talk with your RA or housing office about how to make a room change. Make sure you talk with your best friend about why this change might help instead of creating awkward tension by just moving out with no warning.

Name: Sarah Arsenoff
School: UNC Wilmington
Year: Senior
Major: Marine Biology
Her Deal: This is Sarah's third year as an R.A. for freshmen and international students. She writes for Periplus, a university newsletter for students who, like her, are in the honors scholars program.

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