Summer of Dodging Balls, Snooki Style

It’s an interesting paradox. On one hand, I can’t believe I’m counting down the days until I return to school. And yet, during my 9-to-5 internship slog, time seems to tick by slower than a snail trying to truck it through a pile of molasses. Not to say summer has been that agonizing. The tedium of the workweek has been punctuated with road trips to hang with my frat boys, nights catching up with high school friends and a couple of sweet trips to the Jersey shore. Yeah, Snooks and I are tight.

And while it’d be awesome to lifeguard on that very shore for the summer, I’m getting my kicks teaching tennis. This is my sixth consecutive summer spent dodging errant shots from old women and praying that 6-year-olds are able to get a ball over the net. Unfortunately, over the years, I’ve had to drop the geriatric set from my client list. I’ll never forget that breezy Sunday morning back in ’07 when one hunchbacked dame’s forehand zoomed like a rocket straight into my cojones. The high-pitched cackling as I leaned against the net in agony continues to haunt me to this very day.

As for that aforementioned internship, you could say my cushy little consulting job has its perks. Pays well? Check. Pads the resume? Check. Allows me to flirt with cougars? Quadruple check. Of course, the stint’s not without its dangers. My blood pressure’s taken a huge spike from all the pulse-pounding activity … shredding, faxing, copying and filing(!). I’ve also grown dangerously thin due to all the times my lunch has either been a) stolen or b) trashed by a fellow employee.

Just last week, a rather portly co-worker “threw out” my tasty leftover Hunan chicken, claiming it was stinking up the fridge. After politely informing him that I’d just brought it in the day before and that he tossed (or perhaps scarfed) a perfectly good $8 meal, the guy really did me a solid. Seriously, his generosity almost brought me to my knees. He looked up with large, watery eyes and said in a thick Southern drawl, “You can have my half-eaten Mongolian beef from two nights ago, if you’d like.”

Hey, at least I didn’t get hit in the balls again.

Snookie Photo Credit: Getty Images