You asked:

My roommate and I used to be close until she met this guy. Now she spends most of her time with him -- in our room! How can I reclaim my space and (hopefully!) get my friend back?

College brings about lots of changes, especially within friendships. Even if you’ve known each other for years, some friendships tend to go different ways when a new guy/girl, internship opportunity or other interest comes along. It’s all part of the learning experience. But it seems your BFF’s BF is a space invader, and that’s an entirely separate issue. Learning to communicate effectively with your roommate when things aren’t peachy is critical in trying to maintain your personal space and your friendship:

• Have you talked to your roommate? You can’t assume she knows you’re frustrated. Direct communication is the most effective way of addressing concerns, rather than dropping passive-aggressive hints or leaving notes that don’t allow for two-way conversation. A lot of times, roommates don’t realize their actions are bothering each other, and they wish someone had spoken up before things unraveled. Take that first step.
• Don’t attack your roommate. When you do make time to talk to each other, explain how you feel about the boyfriend, your friendship and the roommate situation -- but do it without criticizing or blaming. Keep the focus on your feelings, calmly letting her know that you need your personal space and miss the friendship.
• Ask her to work toward a compromise. Maybe she’ll agree that the boyfriend won’t come over when you’re sleeping or studying, and then you could offer to leave on occasion so they can have some privacy as well. Also, consider hanging out together sometimes in groups -- that way, you get to spend time with your friend and she still gets to see her boyfriend. Bonus: By hanging out together, he’ll likely clock enough girlfriend time that he might not need to come over to the room as much.
• If all else fails, turn to the rules. Sometimes, compromises just don’t work. Ultimately, the boyfriend is not paying rent and does not have the right to be in your room 24/7. This is your space too, and if you aren’t able to get your studying or sleeping and relaxation done, then he has encroached on your rights to a healthy living environment. If your roommate refuses to stop bringing him over, you can ask your R.A. or housing office about visitation policies. Chances are that because he is not an assigned member of that room, he will be forced to leave or limit his visits. This decision probably won’t salvage your friendship, but if all else fails, making sure your living space is still yours becomes a priority when you live in a high-stress environment.

Name: Sarah Arsenoff
School: UNC Wilmington
Year: Senior
Major: Marine Biology
Her Deal: This is Sarah's third year as an R.A. for freshmen and international students. She writes for Periplus, a university newsletter for students who, like her, are in the honors scholars program.

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